Yes, Stealthing is Rape
When it comes to rape, there should be no gray area. Rape is rape. If you have non nonsexual sex with anyone, it is rape. My theory is that men are so defensive about this particular topic, and every sort of violence inflicted upon women because admitting to themselves that this particular instance is rape, will mean that they need to reconcile with the fact that they too have participated in that activity. If there’s one thing we’ve learned about men, it is their unwillingness to take accountability for their actions. This is also one of the reasons why they are very quick to jump to the defence of random men. They’re offering solidarity so that when it’s their turn, they too will enjoy such protection from other like minded people.
This conversation however is about why Stealthing - removing the condom during sex without consent, is rape. The internet has a field day whenever the issue of stealthing and why it is rape is brought up. It is difficult for people to accept that just by removing condoms during what would have been considered as consensual sex is actually also rape. I already posted this on my twitter but I’m going to explain with really simple language why it is indeed rape.
Say someone comes to you and says they want a book. You tell them, sure okay you can go into my library but you can pick this one book. They agree to that condition. That is consent but you have consented to just one particular book. Suppose they go to the library and pick a book except it isn’t the book you consented to. You don’t know this yet so you sit and converse with them. You may even share a drink with them. Later you go to your library and realize that they decided on their own, without informing you, and whilst you were unaware to take whatever book they wanted to. However, you only gave consent to them taking just one specific book. Now you feel violated and betrayed. Someone you let into your personal space because there was some trust has stolen from you. But you can’t get people to understand that it is theft because they’re saying that you gave that person your consent. And yes you did, just not for that book. They agreed to your stipulated condition and that is why your consent was given. You didn’t consent to anything else but that. They stole from you. It doesn’t matter if you had a good time with them or you had a great conversation after the fact, they still took/stole without consent.
That is why stealthing is rape. Your initial consent was to the use of condoms. You did not consent to anything else. It’s like allowing someone you know inside your home and they hurt you? Did you consent to any of that? Yes you allowed them inside but did you consent to being hurt?
An important thing to remember is consent can be withdrawn at any point. It doesn’t matter how you feel, how much you may be enjoying the act - one party can decide to withdraw it and it will still be valid.
Additional resource for travelers https://themahoneylawfirm.com/sexual-assault-safety-while-traveling/